Our Relationships Are Us

We speak once a month about my life hear at the Cathedral. He is an amazing gift to me because he offers wise counsel and fresh perspective, a combination that can't be beat.

This past week, we spoke for our monthly session. He asked me what kind of disciplines I was taking on during Lent. I was ready for this question and proud to answer it! I told him about what I was giving up, and what I was taking on. I expected him to be impressed, but instead, he said…”What else?”

“What do you mean, what else?” I asked.

“What relationships are you going to reconcile?” he asked. “You didn't mention that.”

Mark made me mad, but I realized that he was right. I was only looking inside myself, examining how I was praying, how I was eating. But our relationships are the spiritual landscape of our lives. I could not simply look inward, I had to look outside myself too. I had to look at how I was relating to the rest of the world.

I felt overwhelmed. I mean, there was that woman back in Wichita that I just didn't seem to get along with. Should I call her up out of the blue and apologize for.. well, I wasn't really sure what?
Part of Lent is getting to know yourself. That's what Jesus did when he stepped out into the desert. But getting to know yourself means being able to identify the people who push your buttons. Because, believe it or not, they are the ones that we learn the most from.

Part of the twelve steps in Alcoholics Anonymous has to do with confession and reconciled relationships. You might ask yourself, what do relationships have to do with Alcoholism? Well, evidently, a person can't give up their unhealthy addiction until they say that they are sorry for all the ways in which their addiction has led them to hurt others. In other words, you can't be truly well if you are not reconciled with your neighbor.

Sometimes the people that we do not get along with can tell us the most about ourselves. And if a relationship wont reconcile, and we cannot let go of it, we can spend years embroiled in something that is a stumbling block in our journey to God. How can you love God more when you are obsessed with your neighbor?

The Pharisees were obsessed with Jesus. They had spent their entire lives studying to become the religious authorities of their day. And then this young man comes out of nowhere, teaching new and radical things, and people were following him! Jesus threatened the very identity of the Pharisees. They were so afraid of Jesus that they are wanted to kill him, but instead they communicated with him in a dysfunctional way. Instead of telling him that they were angry and afraid, they told him that Herod was angry and wanted to kill him. What a perfect triangle! All of this game-playing made Jesus mad.

“You tell that old fox for me that I am safe everywhere except in Jerusalem…” and then Jesus' anger turns to sadness. “Oh, Jerusalem, he says, “City that kills the prophets. Would that I could gather you together like a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you would not.”

I have a painting on the wall of my bedroom. Jesus is sitting on a hillside, looking out over the city of Jerusalem. He looks sad. His hands are folded as if he is absorbed in prayer over the city. He looks lonely.

I wonder what it is like for God when we do not get along. It must make God very sad.

Sometimes, on a Saturday morning, I will sit and watch my kids fight over something silly. At first I will get mad, then I just get sad. I mean, who cares who has the channel changer or who is first finishing their cereal? Why do we fight so much? I want everyone to come together and hold each other, but with three boys that's about as likely as my dog traveling to the moon. So I watch those that I love argue and I find it sad.

Imagine how God feels. Whenever human beings disagree and can no longer listen to one another, God must grieve. God looks upon us with sadness.

Abraham was told that his descendants would be as many as the stars in the sky. But God did not tell him that they would war with one another. Maybe God knew that this would break Abraham's heart.

When I visited Israel, JD and I went to Egypt for a few days. We met three Israeli soldiers on the train. They were so great: funny and kind, thoughtful and full of questions about America. We decided to stay the night in Terabin, on the shore of the Sea of Aquaba. We ate dinner right by the shore and then talked into the night. We told them that we had stayed in the Old City of Jerusalem by the Cathedral of St. George. “You stayed on the Palestinian side?” they asked. They were appalled. “With those animals?” I had never seen such hatred up front. They thought of Palestinians as animals. The same guys who laughed with us and ate with us. They were so threatened that they could not see clearly.

When we get afraid, our vision is skewed. We will do anything to bring ourselves security. So we forget that we are all children of Abraham. And we aim to get rid of the other.

Jesus wishes that he could gather us together like a mother hen. Just sweep his wings over us and find us bumping shoulders again, looking in each others' eyes, for we no longer see one another.

Our country is in a period of serious anxiety and fear. The fear is created by three major factors: the threat of terrorism, the downward economy and the rapid development of technology. Fear and anger are two sides of the same coin. When a person is afraid, they are more likely to try to protect themselves and feelings of anger will rise quickly and sometimes unreasonably.
In this time of fear and anxiety, it is no coincidence that our country is politically divided. The Democrats and Republicans no longer know how to speak to one another civilly. Discourse gets hateful and personal fast. Why? Because we are afraid. We don't even watch the same news channels anymore. We are constantly fighting and our ability to listen and learn from each other seems almost non-existent.

Christ was crucified because he was new and different, because he scared people. But he was able to see people for who they were, pagans and Jews, Samaritans, prostitutes and criminals- he saw the person not the position. He was able to see the human being behind the issue because he was not afraid.

Who are you scared of? Who do you no longer listen to? Who do you need to reconcile with?

Ever since I was a child, I have loved the image of two ants standing at the base of Mt. Everest. One ant says to the other. “I think that ant hill is as big as four ant hills!” The other ant, who is maybe red and not black, says “No. It is as big as FIVE ant hills!” They look at one another with anger and fear and the fight begins. But in reality, the mountain is so far beyond their comprehension that neither of them can even begin to fathom it. Nevertheless, they fight with one another over who is right.

This Lent, maybe we should all make sure that we are listening with an open mind to someone who radically disagrees with us. Maybe we should all strive to see the person behind the issue.

- The Very Rev. Kate Moorehead

Monday, February 15, 2010